Organizing the Christmas Party (funny)

A friend sent this to me and I think it's definitely worth sharing. I think we've all gone through something like this at one time or another. Enjoy. :)

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 1
RE: Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take placeon December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at theGrill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have asmall band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along.
And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!

A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00pm. Exchange of gifts amongemployees can be done at that time, however, no gift should be over$10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. Thisgathering is only for employees! A special announcement will be made byour CEO at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family.

Patty


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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 2
RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which oftencoincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However,from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party."

The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians orthose still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmastree present. No Christmas carols will be sung. We will have othertypes of music for your enjoyment. Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family.

Patty


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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymousrequesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'mhappy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table thatreads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposedto handle this?

Somebody?

Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since theunion members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe$10.00 is a little chintzy.

NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Sincerely
Patty.

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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins theMuslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking duringdaylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate howa luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslimemployees' beliefs.

Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the endof the party - or else package everything for you to take it home in alittle foil doggy baggy. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthestfrom the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest tothe restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians donot have to sit with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes,there will be a flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.

To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross dressingallowed though. We will have booster seats for short people.

Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot controlthe salt used in the food. We suggest for those people with high bloodpressure to taste first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert forDiabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?

Patty


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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All #%&$ing Employees
DATE: December 10
RE: The #$%*!%Holiday Party

Vegetarians?!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keepthis party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sitquietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you soquaintly put it, and you'll get your #$%^&*! salad bar, includingorganic tomatoes.

But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slicethem. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!

I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, you hearme!?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!!

The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!

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FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: December 14
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recoveryand I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime,management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone theafternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Holidays!

December 7: A date which will live in infamy

Reprint of FDR's speech is below. We often forget that it wasn't just America who was attacked on that day. We also now know that Japan's intention was to declare war on us before the attack, but things literally got lost in translation and we didn't get the message in time. Granted, I doubt it would have helped us because it was vague. At least the carriers were out at sea.

Yesterday, Dec. 7, 1941 - a date which will live in infamy - the United States of America was suddenly and deliberately attacked by naval and air forces of the Empire of Japan.
The United States was at peace with that nation and, at the solicitation of Japan, was still in conversation with the government and its emperor looking toward the maintenance of peace in the Pacific.
Indeed, one hour after Japanese air squadrons had commenced bombing in Oahu, the Japanese ambassador to the United States and his colleagues delivered to the Secretary of State a formal reply to a recent American message. While this reply stated that it seemed useless to continue the existing diplomatic negotiations, it contained no threat or hint of war or armed attack.
It will be recorded that the distance of Hawaii from Japan makes it obvious that the attack was deliberately planned many days or even weeks ago. During the intervening time, the Japanese government has deliberately sought to deceive the United States by false statements and expressions of hope for continued peace.
The attack yesterday on the Hawaiian islands has caused severe damage to American naval and military forces. Very many American lives have been lost. In addition, American ships have been reported torpedoed on the high seas between San Francisco and Honolulu.
Yesterday, the Japanese government also launched an attack against Malaya.
Last night, Japanese forces attacked Hong Kong.Last night, Japanese forces attacked Guam.
Last night, Japanese forces attacked the Philippine Islands.
Last night, the Japanese attacked Wake Island.
This morning, the Japanese attacked Midway Island.
Japan has, therefore, undertaken a surprise offensive extending throughout the Pacific area. The facts of yesterday speak for themselves. The people of the United States have already formed their opinions and well understand the implications to the very life and safety of our nation.
As commander in chief of the Army and Navy, I have directed that all measures be taken for our defense.
Always will we remember the character of the onslaught against us.
No matter how long it may take us to overcome this premeditated invasion, the American people in their righteous might will win through to absolute victory.
I believe I interpret the will of the Congress and of the people when I assert that we will not only defend ourselves to the uttermost, but will make very certain that this form of treachery shall never endanger us again.
Hostilities exist. There is no blinking at the fact that that our people, our territory and our interests are in grave danger.
With confidence in our armed forces - with the unbounding determination of our people - we will gain the inevitable triumph - so help us God.
I ask that the Congress declare that since the unprovoked and dastardly attack by Japan on Sunday, Dec. 7, a state of war has existed between the United States and the Japanese empire.