I know, I know

I've been really bad about updating my blog this month. I actually have a lot on my mind and a lot I want to say, but I can't think about getting it organized at the moment. Suffice it to say I've been dealing with a bit of a spiritual crisis for a few years now and it's come to a head. I consider myself a Christian in a world full of other Christians who feel I'm not one because I try to be tolerant. I've discovered that perhaps, while I still believe in God, I need to really look at my beliefs and see where I fit in. This has been coming for quite some time. Let's face it -- these days, a white woman who lives with an African-American man, is not married and who doesn't want children isn't looked upon fondly in many Christian circles. To us, marriage is just a piece of paper, we are already committed to each other and have outlasted several marriages already.

Today I was at the Friends Meeting House in Philly for World Refugee Day. The more I looked at their information, the more I thought that this may be a better fit for my beliefs. I believe that all people deserve love and respect, regardless of race, religion or sexual orientation. I like the social activism many of the Quakers are involved in, at least in my area, and that they aren't an "in your face" belief. I like that the worship services I'm interested in aren't led by a pastor but are silent worship services where people say what they feel they need to say but are otherwise silent. I've always had a hard time just letting God take care of things and feel that He gives me a brain in order to use it to learn, to be able to make my own judgements about what is best. Sometimes I fall short, certainly, but I just cannot go against my own judgement.

I know this is very scattered, as are my thoughts. I just felt like I had to get it out. I'm not saying I'm an instant Quaker (a bad oatmeal joke just came to mind lol), but I'm mulling things over and researching. This isn't something I'm taking lightly, which is why I've been dealing with this for quite some time.

I hope this hasn't offended any of you who are reading, as I know many of you are faithful Christians who I care about. I'm just finding that the Christianity I've been a part of these last 35 years just isn't working for me anymore. I feel like I need something more. To me it's another form of Christianity, although I know to some of you it's not.